The Conscious Communication Code for Healthy Relationship Rebuilding
Updated: Feb 22, 2021
The truth is we all have different perspectives and needs. And, safety is the key
component for effective communication. Therefore, we must learn how to meet in the middle of those realities with safe speaking and active listening. With people unloading opinions and judgements, using words as ammunition, that can be challenging right? What does it feel like when you are constantly being put down, manipulated and triggered? And how can we learn to not be so offended or sensitive to others' perspectives?
The resolution resides within ALL OF US at this very moment, which can be unlocked with the Mindful Integration of The Conscious Communication Code. I call this "the cure," in which the antidote is LOVE. Here is how you can stay in "a safe zone" to even begin exchanging loving ideas, thoughts, and feelings without armoring up and going to war, avoiding domestic violence at all costs. You can now choose to love forward by staying conscious, curious, clear and compassionate. Within this well-practiced space, no hate can rule. And yes, it takes time to begin to get it right... Stay patient and faithful to this code, for your sanity and for the greatest good.
NOTE: Self-awareness is KEY for Success! And there is to be no finger-pointing in this practice. This is only about OWNING and doing YOUR PART. Each human is responsible for THY SELF. If you have someone to share this with, please offer this as an invitation, and that you'd like them to take this journey with you. No demands. And to be honest, this TAKES WORK... PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE. Reach out to me for a session to get started in applying this.
Let's first explore what "safety" means in The Communication Code of Conduct. To feel Safe in Communication....
You are compassionate with yourself first if you witness harsh emotions rising (emotions = energy in motion | something needs to be acknowledged to move)
Your emotions are validated even if the other person does not agree
You feel heard (the other person is truly listening to support versus speak over you or prove a point)
You feel validated as a fellow human (respected)
You are given the space and time you need to feel safe, while offering a loving acknowledgment before taking space (some souls need more time than others)
Even if they can't understand, you know they're trying (without forcing you to change)
There is zero judgment
There are no false accusations, exaggerations or devaluing of any kind
There are no opinions or suggestions offered, unless you ask for help
Other peoples' thoughts and opinions are not used against you
There are no harmful labels and names used against you
You can agree to disagree and create solutions that support all involved
Communication will happen only when energy is calm, and all parties are witnessing themselves and each other as conscious, curious, clear and compassionate. (Through loving eyes)
If it's not the right time, ask for a more appropriate time to communicate
I share this active code which I created from my own painful experiences, where I have failed, learned, tried again, and repeated.... No one is perfect, so let's not pretend to be. We are here to be human, so let's do this with grace, as best we can, one conversation at a time. I use this within my own personal and processional practices.
1. Before having a conversation, set a loving intention for connection.
Explore: Are you seeking to change someone, be right, get a need met, offer opinions, or seek to understand?
2. Clear Sharing is essential… Have you been CLEAR on plans, intentions and requests?
Explore: Was all information shared, so everyone is clear and can plan accordingly? Never leave anyone to guess or assume.
3. Learn to witness yourself and the other person(s) with loving eyes.
Explore: How do you perceive yourself and others in pleasant moments versus uncomfortable moments?
4. If you have had a “Conscious Communication MISS,” own your part, and try again.
Example: “Thank you for making me aware I was not clear about that aspect. I thought I communicated that, and realized I wasn’t as clear as I thought….”
5. Practice the pause, so as to respond with love instead of react in defense.
Explore: If you notice yourself getting defensive often, this can very well be an unhealed wound (shadow) that needs tending to. Are you aware of your shadow (rejected parts of self)?
6. Realize you are NOT DEFINED by your temporary energetic experiences, nor do you need to become the emotion(s) you are feeling.
Explore: How would you describe each disagreement or uncomfortable conversation.
7. Get curious and question with love…. Never assume you know another person’s thoughts, intentions, motives or logic.
Example: "Can you help me understand…." "The story I’m making up in my mind is…." "I must not have all the information needed. Can you share more?"
8. Use “I feel” statements OR "I am witnessing feeling of _____ right now”…. Avoid using You, You, You... (This avoids shame spirals.)
Example: “I am witnessing feelings of sadness right now. I feel misunderstood when I don’t feel my emotional needs are being heard or honored. Can you help me understand what your awareness is around my request on this matter, so I can be clearer if needed?)
9. Validate feelings whether or not you agree, and refrain from identifying what another person if feeling, unless they share that they are experiencing that emotion.
MISS Example: “Why are you mad?” WIN Example: “How are you feeling? I hear that you are feeling angry right now. What do you need from me?”
10. Never devalue another person’s efforts, or over-exaggerate truths.
Example: “You never do what you say you’re going to do.” “You always over-react.”
11. In romantic relationships, refrain from sharing disagreements or heated emotions with third parties like family or friends.
Explore: Never use other people’s thoughts or options as ammunition.
12. Don’t bring up things from coaching or therapy during a disagreement.
Explore: Leave assessments/diagnosis to professionals, and never use labels against anyone.
13. Be mindful and clear of what you are needing. Ask the other if they are willing and available to hold space or be a soundboard – in order to listen to you.
Explore: This will let the other person know what you need in this space, and as to not invade anyone’s energy field.
14. Avoid name calling of any kind.
Explore: When you are triggered do you use certain words at others?
15. Same page policy - In romantic partnerships, get on the Same-page about important matters.
Explore: Rules with children or who does what around the house for balance and equality.
Just imagine what the whole world would be like if we can all adopt this wholesome way to communicate, with no ego.... Just healthy loving, curios questions and kind expressions of self. Some souls may need to do some deeper work in order to heal wounds, and for that I am here. BOOK YOUR SESSION TO BEGIN THIS PRACTICE!